My life feels like it is going through the valley of death, death to dreams, death to finances, death to identity. Everything seems to be ending at once with no clear vision of the future. My youngest child has turned 18 and is growing into a godly young woman, although I should be happy about this, she is my last child and I feel we are both moving into a whole new stage in life and I will no longer be "mommy". Most of my life I have been "mommy" to someone, that has been my identity for so long I am not sure that I know how to be anyone else. Also I have had three sources of income for many years now and this year those sources have either begun to dry up or will dry up over the next few months. I went to college for 8 years in order to find a job in the field that I love, helping people and have been working steadily for the last two years toward building up that job. Now all of a sudden over the last three months I have seen a steady drop in business to the point of barely having any income. I have also felt all the life I once received from helping people slowly dissipating. I no longer gain any satisfaction or life from what I felt called to do. It feels like a part of me that has always been there, including my dreams for the future in this field, is dying right before my eyes. I could go on and on this way as there are so many other areas this death seems to be touching in my life. But God!
He is so good and faithful! He never leaves me and I can always depend on him to be there for me. Last Sunday at church during worship I got a vision of myself as a little girl and I was holding my hands up to Father God, like a kid would who wanted to be picked up by their daddy. I saw him reach down and pick me up in His arms. He wrapped His arms around me and I felt so comforted and safe. I looked at His arms and they were very big and muscular it was almost as if just one of His arms was bigger than me. As I looked at His right arm I saw a word tattooed on it in large letters, it said DEFENDER. Then I looked over at His left arm and it also had a word tattooed on it in large letters, it said RESTORER. I knew these words were for me. I knew also He was saying He was my Defender and Restorer and I could feel safe in this huge arms because they would fight for me and restore everything I felt was dying. After that encounter I felt His peace come into my heart and I knew that even though I did not have a vision for my future it would be safe in those arms.
Yesterday I was feeling that sinking feeling again, and my mind began to question my circumstances and God about my future and the seeming death of what seems like everything around me. I was talking with God about what I should do about finding another source of income and He said rest and let me take care of it. But Lord, shouldn't I work with you, isn't that what you ask of us to work with you. Then I heard the familiar scripture running through my head, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me to the still waters, He restores my soul." So I went to my amplified Bible and looked it up and this is what I found.
Psalm 23
1.The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack. (I had written in the
margins here -I shall not shrink, fail, or get ripped off)
2. He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful
waters.
3. He refreshes and restores (I had added in the margins - He renews) my life (my self); He leads
me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him - not for my earning it,
but] for His name's sake.
4. Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread
no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.
5. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my
[brimming] cup runs over.
6. Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and
through all the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling
place.
Through this Scripture the Lord re-emphasized what He was saying to me on Sunday, He will take care of me, He knows my future, and He is my Defender and my Restorer and He is yours as well.
Again today I was thinking about my how my income is drying up this year and I have no idea how I will pay my bills and cannot seem to get a clear picture of what I should do next or where I should look for a job. I have known for some time that this was coming but was hoping that God would prosper the business I have been trying to build up, the business I felt He called me to do so that it would cover the loss of income I would have this year. It looked as though that would happen as through the months of October to January I had more business than I have had since I began. Then February came and March and April with little or no business at all and little or no income at all. Then the Lord said to me, "This is 2012, 12 is the year of government. I am setting up My government over your life. Some things have to come to an end in order to make room for other things to begin. My government is so much wider and fuller than what you have been living under and it will now reign over your life in that fullness and power because I am making room for it. I have your future in my hands, trust Me to be your Defender and Restorer."
So today I again put my toward God, looking beyond my circumstances and listening for His voice to lead, guide, protect, restore, and bring me life. I hope you can too.
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