One more time around the mountain!

It has become very clear to me that I am stubborn! I go through things in life and see God work and mend and break through, yet I don't seem to learn anything from the process, (or at least not enough) and I find myself going through the same things over again only to react in the same way I have before!
One of the ways God speaks very often to me is through my finances. Being a woman there is that sense of security that comes from money and having enough that makes me feel I am taken care of and all will be okay. So if there is something I need to learn about myself or God it always seems to be revealed at a time of financial hardship.
For the most part I have come to the conclusion, after much experience, that God will provide for me and my girls and I really don't have to worry about my needs being taken care of. No matter what my circumstances, He always seems to come through for us and the bills get paid and gas gets put into my car and food is in the pantry. He has also proved faithful to us when there were extra things that we wanted to do or have, maybe that we did not really need but just wanted. So when my finances get tight I tend to look for what God is showing me. I realize very quickly my sense of security is being challenged and I try to listen to those lies in my head to see what pops up. I am always amazed at what I really believe to be true!
Recently, an event took place in my life that created a cut in my finances and caused my sense of security to be challenged, (AGAIN!)but I was truly amazed at myself and the way I reacted to it. Instead of focusing on the same old things, I found myself in a whole new place.
My ex husband, for reasons I don't presume to know, decided not to pay child support for a particular month. The child support I receive from him is a pretty substantial part of the money I use to pay my bills, as I am not working full time now, (receiving offerings for counseling appointments part time) and I am in school full time. Anyway, usually I would be worried about where the money was going to come from to pay my house note and buy food, and this would preoccupy my time so much that it would tend to paralyze me so I could not even think straight or function for days at a time. But not this time! This time I found myself in a place of humbleness and fear before the Lord. Because I realized for the first time, the struggles I was facing were of my own doing. My children and I were reaping the consequences of my disobedience. (Not to say that my ex did not have to pay child support, but this was a spiritual issue for me and I knew it. I knew God would take care of the money issue, I was to deal with the spiritual part and He would take care of the rest)
You see I knew when I married my ex husband, it was not what God wanted. The day I walked down the isle, I specifically heard God tell me not to marry him, but I did anyway, because I did not see any way out and did not feel I had a choice. So I disobeyed God and chose my own way thinking I was doing the "right" thing. The interesting part in all of this is, that no matter how far away I turned from God, or how much I disobeyed Him, He still stayed right there with me, wooing me back to Him. (I am always overwhelmed at how much God loves me!)
I began to realize I had never really repented for disobeying God in that important juncture of my life. I had forgiven my ex for all the mess with the divorce and his treatment over the years toward my children and I, but I had never really taken ownership of the fact that I was the one who started it all in the first place by entering into a covenant with someone who was clearly not God's choice for me.
Don't miss understand me I love my children and would do it all over again just to have them in my life, but my part of this whole mess had to be realized. I never thought my ex was the only one to blame, but at the same time I never understood that I did have a choice and even up to the last moment when I said "I d0" God was offering me a way out! Just like He says He will do in His Word.
So this time I apologized to my ex in a letter and began praying for him in a way that I have never been able to do. I felt my heart melting and knew God was doing some tenderizing. I have always prayed that God would show my ex His love and that He would understand the love of the Father for himself, but this time, I felt God praying through me.
So what did I learn this time, that God still does not have all of me and there are still places I need to repent of and let go so He can work. Will this change my ex, maybe, maybe not, but that is in God's hands and as long as I am growing it won't be an issue for me.
I asked God, "Why do I have to be so stubborn?" Why can't I learn from my mistakes and quit going around the same mountain all the time. What I heard next surprised me. God said "you are not stubborn, there are just many things for you to learn and give over to me and I know this is what will bring it to the surface and expose it. You are learning with each lesson I give and you are growing, but there are many lies you have believed and clung to and where ever there is a lie, I can not work and you can not receive from me."
So, every time I ask God to make me more like Him or help me to receive more from Him I am setting myself up for another lesson! GREAT!
I began to reexamine my life and the experiences I have gone through and you know God was right! He began to show me that every time I have gone through a hard time I have learned something new about myself and about His nature. Then He showed me where I have taken what I have learned and passed it out to others who need to know the nature of God. It is awesome to see that even in the midst of my dysfunction God can still use me to show others who He really is!